11. Keeping up my pretend self is exhausting and destructive.
(Before looking at the questions below, take a few minutes to think about this statement. Invite Jesus to speak to you about what He would like you to notice.)
DO YOU SENSE THAT YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE PRETENDING?
CAN YOU NOTICE HOW PRETENDING AFFECTS YOUR BODY, YOUR EMOTIONS?
ARE YOU AWARE OF PLACES WHERE YOU FEEL FREE TO BE YOURSELF? HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE HOW IT FEELS IN THOSE PLACES?
When we pretend, we create something that is not real or true about ourselves and this requires energy. The effort required to constantly pretend can be exhausting, and over time it will deplete our emotional reserves and damage our bodies. This is not to say that pretending is unpleasant. In fact, we often pretend because it makes us feel better; it gives us a burst of adrenaline and we feel more alive and in control. But the post-pretending period often creates a low, a feeling of depletion, as the body tries to recover what was lost during the previous rush.
Years of this up-and-down cycle come at a price: the stress harms our bodies and our emotional health also suffers. But our physical and emotional health is not the only price we pay. A life of pretending leads to the formation of a person whose core identity, character and virtues are a façade. When we pretend, the memory of the event and the feeling are also fake. The feeling is real, but deep down we know that the facts surrounding that feeling are not. Over time, our experiences and our memory of those experiences build our character, virtues, and identity. If the memories stored in our brain have an asterisk attached that says “not true,” then our character and identity will also have that asterisk.
Our character is what is most true and real about ourselves and a seemingly virtuous character that is grounded in untruth is not truly virtuous. As we become aware of this truth, we have two choices; either we repent of our lie, return to our real self, and embrace our brokenness, or we gather more energy to work harder to convince ourselves and others that the pretend self we have created is actually true.
Deuteronomy 30 says, This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. (19=20, NIV) Moses is describing the choices that God has provided His people.
One choice leads to “life,” a life of goodness; the other to one of curses and brokenness. Moses adds that the Lord IS your life. We could insert the word “Truth” in this statement and say “the Truth is your life.” Our pretend self does not lead to life, it rather leads to pain and self-destruction. But the truth about ourselves, our awareness of this truth, and our commitment to living in the reality of this truth leads to a life of growing abundance.