10. I bring my pretend self to others when I am afraid.
(Before looking at the questions below, take a few minutes to think about this statement. Invite Jesus to speak to you about what He would like you to notice.)
ARE THERE TIMES WHEN YOU ACT DIFFERENTLY IN ORDER TO IMPRESS SOMEONE?
WHAT ARE YOU MOST OFTEN AFRAID OF WHEN YOU ARE WITH OTHERS?
ARE YOU SATISFIED WITH YOUR APPEARANCE, YOUR FINANCES, YOUR IDENTITY?
Our real self is the person we are, without pretending, and reflects both our gifts and defects. Our pretend self is the person we project ourselves to be. Perhaps we want people to like us so we talk a lot about ourselves, promoting an inflated image of ourselves. At times we may appear outgoing and engaging with those we want to like us, but our real self is actually more subdued, less engaging, and enjoys the quietness of solitude. Another example of a pretend self may happen when we compliment others with the hope that we will appear more kind and loving than we really are.
At times we may pretend to be happy when in fact we are not. In all of these, we pretend in order to shape what others think about us. The Apostle Paul tells us, Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you (Romans 12:3, NIV) Paul is essentially telling us to bring our real self rather than our pretend self. Pretending is not always about how we relate to each other.
We pretend when we present ourselves as more successful than is real, use money to buy things to impress others, or post our achievements to make others think we are successful. We can dress and adorn ourselves to make ourselves appear more appealing than is real. We even use medical procedures to pretend. After a while, we get quite comfortable with our pretend self and put it on often. In time, we begin to lose touch with who we really are. Why does this happen?
We use our pretend self when we are afraid or do not feel safe. Our pretend self is our way of compensating for our fear of rejection, disapproval, or judgment. We often use our pretend self when we meet new people. Think of your first date: you probably used your pretend self to make a favorable impression. Many marriages suffer when spouses stop using their pretend self.
Overcoming fear is a major obstacle to embracing our real self and letting go of our pretend self. Perhaps this is what Paul is referring to in the verse above when he adds, in accordance with the faith God has given you. Our faith, our trust in God, is ultimately what we need in order to overcome our fear so that we can be our real self, in every situation.
Embracing and growing into our true self, the person God had in mind when He created us, will only happen as we learn to hear our Creator’s voice, affirming us for who we are, not condemning us for our failures, assuring us that we are loved and valued as we are and helping us to face our fear of rejection from voices that do not reflect God’s posture towards us.